Do You Know Your Own Boundaries?

Have you ever either found a family member, a friend, or yourself in an unhealthy relationship and wondered how someone gets into such a mess? It is apparent that in us exists something which blinds us to the abuse. Too often the signs are clear to those around but not to the victim.

A major obstacle we face in detecting when a relationship is unhealthy is not having a clear idea of what is not an acceptable treatment from another person and what is. This involves more than just romantic relationship as it could extend to family, friends and work as well. I can't help but to roll my eyes when I hear someone say about their mate "he gets really nasty when he gets jealous but it cool 'cause it shows how much he really loves me." This is in part due to the fact that our overall culture is quite authoritarian and so we grow up allowing other to force us to do things we don't care really for or we will face nasty consequences.

For any meaningful relationship to be enjoyed, and to last, we must first unlearn the letting of others dominate us because our inner compass will eventually reject anything causing us too much damage. Those who trespass against us may not be even aware of their infractions because unfortunately they are victims of the abuse themselves and are in need of obvious help. Although we may empathize with them, for our own sanity and their personal betterment, we must create a healthy distance from them.

So exactly how do you know when someone is overstepping your personal boundaries? Here is a list of things to look out for which I have divided into two categories (aggressive and passive):

You are being abused aggressively when they...
-Use absolute words such "You Always" and "You Never". It's better to say "Usually" and "Seldom".
-Use blame speech, often starting sentences with "You are" instead of "I feel that you are".
-Often raise their voices which is to drown your's while also revealing the violence that lives inside them.
-Resort to heavy shaming, condemning, and name-calling. Express your feelings without putting others down.
-Often monopolize the conversation. This is a poor learned behavior where a person was rarely heard as a child.
-Often being pushy, impatient, and make demands at inappropriate times (like when you are busy).
-Are constantly bringing up the past regarding your mistakes. We must learn and move along.
-Are repeatedly giving unsolicited advice or are trying to fix you not accepting where others are in life.
-Often resort to shotgun blasting (unfocused complaints) unwilling to work on one issue at a time.
-Are constantly measuring you to others and letting you know about it.
-Steal and misuse your personal property.
-Resort to physical confrontation. Physical harm is not an option.
-Become violent during fits of jealousy. Scary!
-Are sexual abusive. Sex must be mutually enjoyed (period).

You are being abused passively when they...
-Are often sarcastic. This is a way of letting out their frustration, masking it with humor.
-Share your information with others or by repeatedly breaking promises.
-Enjoy mocking and laughing at others including you.
-Are compulsive liars. No brain-er about how unpleasant this is.
-Don't express feelings easily making it difficult to cooperate with.
-Ignore you by neglecting your expressed needs.
-Are passive aggressive by telling you that everything is OK yet their actions say otherwise.
-Are passive manipulative by often pouting, whining, or giving you the silent treatment.
-Are quick to abandon a conversation. Perhaps one of the most aggravating forms of emotional immaturity.
-Resort to blackmailing by asking you to do things you are uncomfortable with "or else".
-Offer too little or too much emotional support. They either are too absent or too suffocating.
-Are constantly teasing and/or withholding from you. It is a form of letting out their frustration on you.

We must be aware that no amount of caring or love for someone who is abusing you will prevent you from the harm their actions will inflict. This may be especially tough when it comes to a family member or a husband/wife whom we feel a duty to be there for. Experience has this to tell us... that any support you can provide such individuals can only be given when they have admitted to their problem and are already making an effort to heal themselves otherwise they will suck you into their negativity and you will come out battered physically and emotionally. Our personal health and happiness are priceless and must be protected at all costs which even includes facing our own loneliness.

Is Your Single Status on V-Day Making You Feel Like a Loser?

It is not surprising that Valentine’s Day brings in millions of dollars each year in the sale of heart-shaped chocolate boxes, cards and jewelry. Some couples even gift each other with electronics—the latest cell phone or iPad.

Growing up, my parents always boycotted Valentine’s Day. I never understood why, until now. They said things like, “Give me my flowers while I’m alive. Don’t wait until I’m gone to tell me you love me or treat me with respect.”

So now I’ll ask you to play along with me for a second. Ready? Take off your veil of commercialism and open your mind to receive a message you may not like. Do you love your Self, (it’s capitalized for a reason)--your true Self, who you really are?  Yes? Good. Do you need to receive a gift or to be taken out to dinner on Valentine’s Day to feel loved? If you love your Self enough, isn’t that enough for you to feel fulfilled and eliminate the expectation or pressure from an outside source to provide you with anything to feel validated?

So what, you are single! Does a holiday that professes to be about LOVE make you feel like a loser? Again, the love of Self should be enough to make you feel like a winner. No? Okay. I’m not here to convince you. I’m not here to tell you to stop celebrating love. 

Love is an awesome verb. It means different things to different people. To me it means actions that show all of the people in your life that you care. You care enough to BE THERE for them, to LISTEN to their concerns, their fears, their stressors.  If you see each other struggling and cannot help, at the very least you will try to UNDERSTAND and be COMPASSIONATE and EMPATHETIC without JUDGING or CONDEMNING their feelings. Love does not mean you will agree with every path they choose to take; however, to me, it means you will COMMUNICATE to them that you will strive to TRY to understand and if there’s anything they feel you can help with, that they will not hesitate to ASK.

That said, LOVE everyone. Love your family, love your pets, love the planet, love a power higher than you, love your ability to love and most of all, LOVE your Self.

Never let a holiday make you feel like a loser. Only you can do that.

The Seven Elements of a Beneficial Relationship

What is the ultimate goal of a romantic relationship? Is it not to have it be long lasting, fulfilling and well balanced (between pleasure and healthy challenges)?                                                                                                    

Most of us, who have been trapped in this cycle of hook ups and break ups, are too aware of what does not work yet we have not managed to break out of it. Things like selfishness, clinginess, laziness, jealousy, dishonesty, and being too judgmental drive us apart quicker than it takes for nail polish to dry.

But, what generally escapes us is what will make us truly stick together. This post discusses 7 essential elements of what will make a commitment between 2 people not just stand the test of time but also transform them as individuals in a significant way. For those of us who strive for more in a relationship and personally, these principles can prove to be very valuable and they can be easily remembered with the acronym ASPIRES.

Acceptance

In a very nurturing way, both shall accept each others limitations. Plenty of room is allowed for having flaws and to make mistakes. These things are seen as opportunity for growth, improvement and practice. This is what makes life an interesting challenge. And, in the end, if it is unavoidable and necessary both shall gracefully thank each other and disengage.

Self-Esteem

Without exception, both understand the importance of developing and having a healthy self-esteem. This is crucial to having success in any one's life, let alone a relationship. If one suffers from chronic low confidence, the other will be unnecessarily burdened by those issues. One must have enough personal self-worth built in when entering a relationship or it will place too much of a strain.

Prosperity

Bringing out the best qualities in one's lover is another essential goal. It is about assisting one another in evolving into the most successful and happy person s/he can be. Both must have an openness and desire to move towards positive change. Coming together must be about further growth as individuals. Together both can accomplish goals much more easily than alone therefore enjoying continuous success while strengthening their bond.

Intimacy

With each others constant cooperation, a true intimacy is experienced physically, intellectually, emotionally, and even spiritually. Each one feels the freedom to express her/himself openly and to ask honestly for what they want without regrets. There is no shaming or fear of being rejected. Disagreements are minimized because all things are addressed with a good mix of patience and understanding. Each one is allowed time to process and analyze before giving her/his response. Because of this, both expose their sensitive/private matters without much restrictions, continually feeding this very deep connection.

Respect

Unconditional love is not sought in this relationship (especially at the beginning). That is reserved for parental love. Parents must love their kids regardless of their behavior. As adults, we require to be treated with respect in order to stay in the relationship. If one's partner REPEATEDLY steps over boundaries, the deal is off. Life is challenging enough on one's own and it is plain unfair to have to carry more baggage because of another adult's carelessness.

Emancipation

Each person is allowed to be an individual within the relationship. Each one encourages the other to follow their goals, and passions instead of standing in her/his way. Both maintain a healthy balance of time together and apart. A bit of solitude is an essential aspect in any person's life. Also, one's relationships with others is not seen as a threat but more of a enhancement.  This maintains a good freshness between them. The need to be constantly around one's mate is plain unhealthy.

Separation

Both must be able to care for the other with a good deal of detachment. One mustn't feel too responsible for the other. Each is only responsible for her/his own thoughts, feelings, and reactions. Only in this way can both truly feel free to want to be with one another. By continually affirming each others personal empowerment as capable and separate individuals, a sense of appreciation is maintained. Yes, this is contrary to pop culture where it is considered cool for one to have a clingy, desperate, and intense attraction for one's lover, sometimes even going to the extreme of feeling like "dying" if abandoned. There is always a choice in a relationship. Very simply, being with someone is an option.

Exploring Our Unhappy Side

We all deserve to live the happiest life possible. If you are like me, you probably have spent sometime pondering why its been so challenging to achieve such a life consistently.  After some time spent analyzing this matter (for years actually), I have come to a straight forward understanding and in this blog I am taking the liberty of sharing it with you.

Before I dive into it, I must warn you about that what I discovered is not very easy to swallow. I struggled big time to accept it but I eventually put on my "big boy pants". The fact of the matter is that you and I have had far less control over our lives, therefore our happiness, than we could ever imagine.  Evidence points to that the social environment we were raised in, and still live in, has had a far greater impact on us, past and present, than what we have controlled with our own personal will (by a landslide)!  If we analyze more carefully what is our "true nature", we will realize that we arrive to this world more like dry sponges that only end up absorbing that which we are dipped into.

Follow me so far? No? OK, let's say for example that you were born in Iran and of the opposite sex, what choice in language, religion, gender role, and food preference would you have? The same as you do now? As far as I know, and can prove, I did not have a choice in where, when, how, and whom I was going to be born to/raised by.

So it should follow that if I am unhappy enough with my current life then shouldn't I examine that which has had the most affect on me, my social surroundings? And when I dig into how it has influenced me, and others, this is the ugly truth that I have found...


1) It Has Made Us Glorify Individualism:
We are too isolated thanks to America being one of the weakest socially connected countries on the planet. Family and community are not valued enough while individualism is glorified. Due to this, we as individual are feeling more pressure to make choices and take responsibility. What we are left with is being prone to suffer from more isolation, loneliness, being misunderstood/under-appreciated, more self-doubt, and a general distrust of others.  Any sign of dependence is seen as weakness. And, of course, in this competitive climate there is usually only 1 winner and the rest are losers.

2) It Has Made Us Feel Insignificant:
One would think that with more responsibility one would feel more in control. This is not the case for the majority of us. The reality is that we are feeling smaller and smaller in this growing world. From one angle we feel hopeless about how large businesses continue to underpay us, poison us and pollute our environment. From another angle, we feel powerless about how our government taxes the shit out of us while ignoring our cries as voters. And from yet another angle we have the banks enslaving us through interest and debt.

3) It Has Left Us With An Insatiable Appetite:
Thanks to the constant bombardment of advertisement and celebrities with their ridiculously high lifestyles, you and I find ourselves not valuing much what we have, those around us, and who we are. We have been guided to constantly measure our skin, our hair, our nose, our height, our abs, our arms, our butt, our legs, our clothes, our house, our car, our bank account, our job, etc against those at the very top. Our ambition and mindless consumption in pursuit of the higher status has only made us more shallow and bitter while only chasing our own tails.

4) It Has Turned Us Into Crazy Perfectionists
The commercials and propaganda we are exposed to since early childhood have been deeply implanting the seeds of perfectionism in us. They have been burning images of what is 'perfect' leaving us feeling depressed for being just 'normal', and 'ordinary'. We are repeatedly beating our own selves up, and of course others.

5) It Has Molded Us Into Mostly Seeing "Black and White"  
By us being raised to largely focus on outward appearance, we are prone to quickly label things, others and our own selves superficially. We fail to understand the multiple layers and sides to life. When a person is quick to condemn another person, s/he is quick to condemn her/himself just the same. Instead of living a life of compassion, love and happiness, there is a life of confusion, hate and frustration.

6) It Has Disconnected Us
When we are immersed in a culture of commercialism, superficiality, and consumerism we grow up greatly distracted from what is truly necessary to our health and happiness. When we become dead-set on chasing the illusion of the prescribed 'perfect status' we find ourselves being more cynical as we struggle to find real fulfillment.  At some point 'misery' becomes normal and 'contentment' weird. Meanwhile, the simple natural things that truly nourish us are the things we least seek.

7) It Has Made Us Neurotic
What usually escapes our awareness in our blind pursuit is that we have devolved into these great balls of stress. Our bodies were not designed to be under such constant pressure. The chemicals the body produces when it is in "emergency mode" are needed to propel it to move out of trouble and return to a relaxed state as quickly as possible. But when they exist for prolonged periods of time they eat at us from within.  Physically we develop symptoms like poor circulation, indigestion, sleep disorders, muscle pain, shortness of breath and even organ failure. Mentally we manifest issues with concentration, prolonged irritation, prone to heavy addictions (to sooth ourselves), depression, and panic attacks.

8) We Have Grown Addicted To Poor Nutrition
Just like celebrity propaganda poisons our minds, processed food commercialism destroys our bodies. The foods that naturally nourish, energize and protect us from harm have been replaced with stimulating yet artificial junk. After years and even decades of contamination, we sadly become numb to our body repeatedly telling us that it is tired and sick until that day comes that a terminal illness takes over.

9) We Are Only Offered Poisonous Prescriptions
The chronic symptoms of being raised in such society naturally drive us to seek relief. Unfortunately, the solutions readily proposed to us keep us in the vicious cycle as opposed to removing us from it. Instead of plugging ourselves to a more natural, simple, and humane lifestyle we are ushered towards pharmaceutical treatment which only serve to numb us of discomfort momentarily while ensuring that we will be return customers. Adding insult to injury, the drugs given further poison our already wary body insuring future more medical dependence.


If you are still reading then you are probably asking yourself, "Now what? Where do we go from here if this is in any way true?" Well, you have a few choices: (A) Go back to doing what you were doing, that never ending grind. Or (B) Do your own research to verify the points I shared with you. Or (C) Research how does one live a more free, natural, healthier, organic, connected, fluid, appreciative, and fulfilling life. I recommend going back to (A) keeping in mind what you read here and testing to see if it holds any water. Then try (B) for a bit after you are convinced that there is no real hope with option (A). Finally, dip into (C) when you are ready to create real change in your life. The realization that we were not very responsible for our past should not be a reason to feel depressed. On the contrary, it should motivate us to take control of our life in the present and our future. Yes our society continues to have a negative impact in our life but it is liberating to know that if we make a conscious effort today then we are no longer victims of circumstances.