Do You Know Your Own Boundaries?

Have you ever either found a family member, a friend, or yourself in an unhealthy relationship and wondered how someone gets into such a mess? It is apparent that in us exists something which blinds us to the abuse. Too often the signs are clear to those around but not to the victim.

A major obstacle we face in detecting when a relationship is unhealthy is not having a clear idea of what is not an acceptable treatment from another person and what is. This involves more than just romantic relationship as it could extend to family, friends and work as well. I can't help but to roll my eyes when I hear someone say about their mate "he gets really nasty when he gets jealous but it cool 'cause it shows how much he really loves me." This is in part due to the fact that our overall culture is quite authoritarian and so we grow up allowing other to force us to do things we don't care really for or we will face nasty consequences.

For any meaningful relationship to be enjoyed, and to last, we must first unlearn the letting of others dominate us because our inner compass will eventually reject anything causing us too much damage. Those who trespass against us may not be even aware of their infractions because unfortunately they are victims of the abuse themselves and are in need of obvious help. Although we may empathize with them, for our own sanity and their personal betterment, we must create a healthy distance from them.

So exactly how do you know when someone is overstepping your personal boundaries? Here is a list of things to look out for which I have divided into two categories (aggressive and passive):

You are being abused aggressively when they...
-Use absolute words such "You Always" and "You Never". It's better to say "Usually" and "Seldom".
-Use blame speech, often starting sentences with "You are" instead of "I feel that you are".
-Often raise their voices which is to drown your's while also revealing the violence that lives inside them.
-Resort to heavy shaming, condemning, and name-calling. Express your feelings without putting others down.
-Often monopolize the conversation. This is a poor learned behavior where a person was rarely heard as a child.
-Often being pushy, impatient, and make demands at inappropriate times (like when you are busy).
-Are constantly bringing up the past regarding your mistakes. We must learn and move along.
-Are repeatedly giving unsolicited advice or are trying to fix you not accepting where others are in life.
-Often resort to shotgun blasting (unfocused complaints) unwilling to work on one issue at a time.
-Are constantly measuring you to others and letting you know about it.
-Steal and misuse your personal property.
-Resort to physical confrontation. Physical harm is not an option.
-Become violent during fits of jealousy. Scary!
-Are sexual abusive. Sex must be mutually enjoyed (period).

You are being abused passively when they...
-Are often sarcastic. This is a way of letting out their frustration, masking it with humor.
-Share your information with others or by repeatedly breaking promises.
-Enjoy mocking and laughing at others including you.
-Are compulsive liars. No brain-er about how unpleasant this is.
-Don't express feelings easily making it difficult to cooperate with.
-Ignore you by neglecting your expressed needs.
-Are passive aggressive by telling you that everything is OK yet their actions say otherwise.
-Are passive manipulative by often pouting, whining, or giving you the silent treatment.
-Are quick to abandon a conversation. Perhaps one of the most aggravating forms of emotional immaturity.
-Resort to blackmailing by asking you to do things you are uncomfortable with "or else".
-Offer too little or too much emotional support. They either are too absent or too suffocating.
-Are constantly teasing and/or withholding from you. It is a form of letting out their frustration on you.

We must be aware that no amount of caring or love for someone who is abusing you will prevent you from the harm their actions will inflict. This may be especially tough when it comes to a family member or a husband/wife whom we feel a duty to be there for. Experience has this to tell us... that any support you can provide such individuals can only be given when they have admitted to their problem and are already making an effort to heal themselves otherwise they will suck you into their negativity and you will come out battered physically and emotionally. Our personal health and happiness are priceless and must be protected at all costs which even includes facing our own loneliness.